你脑内的两个世界—— Dr. Jill Taylor 演讲中英文字

你脑内的两个世界 

我（Dr. Jill Taylor）从事大脑的研究是因为我的一位弟弟患有精神分裂症，作为他的姐姐，我一直都在想：为何我可以将现实与虚幻区分开来，知道什么是我的梦想，以及如何去实现这样的梦想，而我弟弟却不能分辨真实的世界与他大脑里虚构出来的世界，也无法与我们所共享的世界相沟通，亦无法实现他的梦想？于是我决定投身于重度精神疾病方面的研究。

我从印第安纳的老家搬到波士顿，在哈佛大学精神病学院的弗朗辛博士 （Francine Benes）的实验室工作。我们当时问的问题是：寻常人的大脑与那些患有精神分裂症、精神混乱症和双相障碍症的病人的大脑有何生理上的差异？所以我们绘制出大脑里头的微电路图，逐一考察每一个细胞，寻找其与其余的细胞、化学物质的联系，还具体考察了这些参与反应的化学物质的数量。

我的生活很有意义。白天，我在实验室上班，而到了晚上或者假日，我就以NAMI（美国精神疾病联盟）成员的身分到社区普及有关此一疾病的知识。

可 是在1996年12月的10号的那个早上，我醒来的时候发现自己竟也碰上了神经错乱。那时我的左脑血管破裂，造成大量出血。随后的4个小时里，我的大脑完 全失去了处理外界信息的能力。那个早晨，我不能走、说、读、写或者回忆起我过往人生的任何片段。我那时简直成了一个婴孩，不过是活在一个女人的躯体里。

假如你看过人体大脑的话，你会知道大脑的两个半球是完全分离的。今天我还特意给大家带来一个真实的人体大脑。（工作人员端出一个人体的大脑，吉尔向观众解释）看，这是大脑的前端，这是大脑的后端，这里还有脊髓。大脑在我的脑壳里就是这么放置的。我们的大脑的两个半球是完全分离的，拿计算机作比喻的话，我们大脑的右半球就有如并行处理器，而左半球则类似于相联处理器。两个半球通过灰质来交流，而灰质本身则是由3亿个轴突纤维组成的。除此以外，我们大脑的两个半球就是完全独立的，由于它们两个处理信息的方式不一样，所以它们关心的是不同的事物，由此我认为，大脑的两个半球拥有截然不同的个性。

我们的右脑关心的永远都是眼前的事物，它仅对于此时此地发生的事情感兴趣。它以图像的形式来思考，我们肢体的运动信息会直接传送到我们的右脑，外界的一切信息会经由身体上的感官返回右脑，然后右脑就会描绘出一副周边环境的图画，还能判断出其气息、声响与感觉。我是一个能量的个体，通过右脑与周围的能量取得联系。而我们大家都是独立的能量的个体，可是我们的右脑把我们联系起来，让我们意识到我们都是人类大家庭的一员。此时此刻，我们生活在这个地球之上，都是兄弟姐妹，共同为创造一个更美好的世界而努力。这一刻，我们大家都是完美的、完整的、美丽的。

而我们的左脑则是完全不同的一副图景。它以一种线性的、有条不紊的方式来处理信息，它关心的仅仅是过去与未来。它从万花筒般的现时世界中捕捉信息，捕捉周围的一切细节，以至关于细节的细节，然后分类、整理，将其与过去发生的事情相比较，从而得出我们下一步该做什么事的判断。左脑是用语言来思考的，在左脑里，有一个神秘的声音把我的内在的世界与外部的世界关联起来。那个声音会喋喋不休的跟我说，“嘿，你回家的时候记得买香蕉啊！还有明天早上起来记得吃啊！“它还以一种非常精确的计算方式提醒我记得洗衣服。但最重要的恐怕是左脑能向我发出一个信息：我就是我(I am)。而一旦我的左脑发出这个声音，我就变成一个独立的个体，因为我不再与周围的能量流动发生联系，也与周围的人失去了关联。

那天我脑出血，刚好就发生在左脑。

那天早上，我从睡梦中醒来，发现自己的左脑疼痛不止，那种痛楚跟你咬冰淇淋的那种腐蚀性的感觉一样，它抓住我，然后又放开，然后再次抓住，再次放开。如此反复。我不曾有过这样的痛苦经历。可我还是决定要开始一天的工作，于是走到家里的跑步机前，可是虽然我的手抓住了跑步机的横杆，但我感觉那似乎是只是一只普通的动物爪子。我想，这可真奇怪！又看看我的身体，我立即发现自己怪异无比。似乎我似乎感觉到我的意识游离于身体之外，在另一个世界看着那个站在跑步机前的我。

一切都是那么奇怪，而我的头疼也越来越厉害，于是从跑步机上下来，当我在客厅里走的时候，我发现我的身体里的一切的反应都变得极慢，每往前迈出一步都是那么的僵硬、每一步都要缓缓的走。我的步伐基本没有连贯性。同时我对周围事物的感知也在变弱，于是我干脆留心自己身体内的一切。那时我站在浴室里，正准备洗澡，同时我听到身体里有个声音在说：“这块肌肉，你要放松；这一块，你要拉紧。 ”我还丧失了平衡，倒在浴室的墙上。我低头看自己的手臂，可已经无法感知自己身体的边界了，不知道哪里是属于我自己的，哪里是周围的事物。构成我的手臂的原子和分子与墙上的分子混在了一起。我只能体验到能量的存在。我问自己：“我到底出什么事啦？”就在那一刻，我的左脑内的那不曾停息的谈话消失了，就像人们拿着遥控器，按了“静音”键一样——只有无边的寂静。

一开始我感到恐惧，但很快我就为周围的巨大的能量所吸引。我再也不能界定我的身体的边界，我感到自己变得很大、很舒展。似乎我和周围的能量就是合在一起的个体，那种感觉真的很美。

可 突然间，我的左脑又重新恢复了思考，并且对我说，“我们出问题了！出问题了！要找人帮忙！“我知道自己出了问题，可是马上我又回到了纯意识的世界（我称之 为La La Land），那是一个美丽的世界。想象一下能够不再听任于大脑里的喋喋不休的感觉。我就置身于一个如此美妙的世界，一切身外的烦恼皆一扫而空。我感到身体变轻了。不妨想象一下能够摆脱一切的现世的纠缠，那是一种清静的感觉。再想象一下，你完全摆脱了积累了37年之久的情感的包袱，那是多么的美！那刻，我体会到巨大的快感，简直是美不可言！就在这时，我的左脑又恢复了思考，对我说“嘿，注意啦，我们出事了。要找人帮忙啊！”我那时才想到求救，于是马上从浴室出来，非常机械的穿上衣服，心里在想，“我要去上班，我要上班。我还能驾车吗？我还能吗？”

就 在那时我的右臂完全瘫痪，于是我才意识到自己中风了。不过我又想，这样不是很妙吗？有几个神经科学家有这样的切身体验呢？可我又想，我是个大忙人，我才不会花时间玩中风的游戏呢！但既然已经发生了，那我就用一两周时间来研究研究，然后就继续我正常的工作。于是我去找人帮忙。我已不记得办公室电话，可是我记得我的房间里有一张名片上面写有那个电话号码。于是找到名片，可虽然我看得清清楚楚那卡片是啥模样，却分不清是我的还是别人的，因为我只看到一团像素。卡片上的文字、图案、背景三者在我眼里成了模糊的一块像素团，完全无法分辨。我只能等到我的神经系统能把我带回现实。只有在那片刻的现实里，我才能重新构建起与外部世界的联系，并发现找到的不是我的卡片。从那一堆卡片里头找到合适的一张，又花去我45分钟的时间。

与此同时，脑颅内的积血越来越多。我尽管分辨不出卡片上的数字，也分辨不出电话上的数字。但我别无其他选择。我把卡片上的笔画跟电话上的笔画相比照。可我又回到唯意识的La La Land，一会再次回归现实的时候，我也不记得自己是否拨了那些数字。于是我抓起那瘫痪的右手，盖住那些已按下的数字，这样在那简短的片刻清醒到来指示，我才可能知道拨出了哪些数字。最终电话打通了，我的同事接了电话，但我只听到“呜呜呜呜”的声音，我想，“天啊，他怎么变成金毛寻猎犬了？“于是我想对他说，”你好，我是吉尔，我需要你的帮助！“可是口里出来的竟然也是”呜呜呜呜“，”噢，原来我也变成黄金寻猎犬了！“——一开始我还不知道自己已无法讲话或理解别人的话语。

但同事马上知道我需要他的帮忙，于是叫来救护车，把我送到马斯医院。路上，我卷成了一个婴孩的模样，我感觉自己就像一个只剩余最后一点空气的气球，我身体的能量飘到了身体以外，而我的心灵也要投降了。那一刻，我感到生命的最后一刻已经到来。除非医生可以把我从死亡线上拉回来。

那天下午，我醒了，惊讶的 发现自己还活着。当我发现自己的心灵要宣布投降的时候，我就已对人生作出了告别。那一刻，我的心悬于两种截然不同的现实之间。从感官传来的刺激是单纯的疼 痛，光线就如野火一样在我的大脑里燃烧，周围的声音是那么大、那么混杂，完全分辨不清。我只是想逃离。由于我不能明确自己身体的范围，我又感到身体变大了、舒展开来了，就像一个从瓶子里跑出来的神怪，而我的心灵则如一条鲸鱼，漫游于寂静的极乐世界的海洋。那是涅槃的感觉。当时我想我永远也不可能像故事里的神怪那样回到瓶子里了。

可是我又意识到“我还活着呢！我还活着！而我竟经历了涅槃了。而假如我能找到涅槃，又还活着，那么世上任何人都有可能找到涅槃。我幻想一个充满美丽、和平、怜悯和关爱的世界，只要人们愿意，自觉的走出左脑，就能达至此境。我又想，这样一次经历是多么难得的一次机会，它是一次难得的中风经历，它给予了我以睿智的眼光看待我们的生活，并鼓励我尽快得以康复。

两周后，医生从我的大脑里取出一块凝固的血块，足有一个高尔夫球那么大，那东西正好是从我大脑里控制语言功能的地方割出来的。（指着屏幕上的照片）那是我和我的母亲，她是我生命中的天使。后来，我经过8年时间才完全康复过来。

那么我们究竟是谁？我们是宇宙间的生命，我们都有灵活的躯体以及两个各司其职的认知中心。我们都有能力去选择，这一刻我们要成为什么，以及如何去在这个地球上活下去。此刻，我可以进入我的右脑，从而实现与大家的血气相通——我们都是这个世界上的生命。我是由50万亿个分子组成的一个活的生命体。又或者我可以走进我的左脑，我就变成一个单独的个体，不再与周围的世界发生联系，不再与大家发生联系。我就是吉尔·泰勒博士，我是知识分子，还是神经解剖学家。这些就是我体内的“我们”。

你想怎么选？你会怎么选？在什么时候？我深信，只要我们花更多时间去关心右脑，去寻找那片内在的宁静，将会为这个世界带来更多的和平，我们的地球也将变得更平和。而我认为，这也算是一个值得传播开去的想法。

Stroke Of Insight - Jill Bolte Taylor - TRANSCRIPT

I grew up to study the brain because I have a brother who has been diagnosed with a brain disorder, schizophrenia. And as a sister and as a scientist, I wanted to understand, why is it that I can take my dreams, I can connect them to my reality, and I can make my dreams come true -- what is it about my brother's brain and his schizophrenia that he cannot connect his dreams to a common, shared reality, so they instead become delusions?

So I dedicated my career to research into the severe mental illnesses. And I moved from my home state of Indiana to Boston where I was working in the lab of Dr. Francine Benes, in the Harvard Department of Psychiatry. And in the lab, we were asking the question, What are the biological differences between the brains of individuals who would be diagnosed as normal control, as compared to the brains of individuals diagnosed with schizophrenia, schizoaffective, or bipolar disorder?

So we were essentially mapping the microcircuitry of the brain, which cells are communicating with which cells, with which chemicals, and then with what quantities of those chemicals. So there was a lot of meaning in my life because I was performing this kind of research during the day. But then in the evenings and on the weekends I traveled as an advocate for NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

But on the morning of December 10 1996 I woke up to discover that I had a brain disorder of my own. A blood vessel exploded in the left half of my brain. And in the course of four hours I watched my brain completely deteriorate in its ability to process all information. On the morning of the hemorrhage I could not walk, talk, read, write or recall any of my life. I essentially became an infant in a woman's body.

If you've ever seen a human brain, it's obvious that the two hemispheres are completely separate from one another. And I have brought for you a real human brain. [Thanks.] So, this is a real human brain. This is the front of the brain, the back of the brain with a spinal cord hanging down, and this is how it would be positioned inside of my head. And when you look at the brain, it's obvious that the two cerebral cortices are completely separate from one another. For those of you who understand computers, our right hemisphere functions like a parallel processor. While our left hemisphere functions like a serial processor. The two hemispheres do communicate with one another through the corpus collosum, which is made up of some 300 million axonal fibers. But other than that, the two hemispheres are completely separate. Because they process information differently, each hemisphere thinks about different things, they care about different things, and dare I say, they have very different personalities. [Excuse me. Thank you. It's been a joy.]

Our right hemisphere is all about this present moment. It's all about right here right now. Our right hemisphere, it thinks in pictures and it learns kinesthetically through the movement of our bodies. Information in the form of energy streams in simultaneously through all of our sensory systems. And then it explodes into this enormous collage of what this present moment looks like. What this present moment smells like and tastes like, what it feels like and what it sounds like. I am an energy being connected to the energy all around me through the consciousness of my right hemisphere. We are energy beings connected to one another through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family. And right here, right now, all we are brothers and sisters on this planet, here to make the world a better place. And in this moment we are perfect. We are whole. And we are beautiful.

My left hemisphere is a very different place. Our left hemisphere thinks linearly and methodically. Our left hemisphere is all about the past, and it's all about the future. Our left hemisphere is designed to take that enormous collage of the present moment. And start picking details and more details and more details about those details. It then categorizes and organizes all that information. Associates it with everything in the past we've ever learned and projects into the future all of our possibilities. And our left hemisphere thinks in language. It's that ongoing brain chatter that connects me and my internal world to my external world. It's that little voice that says to me, "Hey, you gotta remember to pick up bananas on your way home, and eat 'em in the morning." It's that calculating intelligence that reminds me when I have to do my laundry. But perhaps most important, it's that little voice that says to me, "I am. I am." And as soon as my left hemisphere says to me "I am," I become separate. I become a single solid individual separate from the energy flow around me and separate from you.

And this was the portion of my brain that I lost on the morning of my stroke.

On the morning of the stroke, I woke up to a pounding pain behind my left eye. And it was the kind of pain, caustic pain, that you get when you bite into ice cream. And it just gripped me and then it released me. Then it just gripped me and then released me. And it was very unusual for me to experience any kind of pain, so I thought OK, I'll just start my normal routine. So I got up and I jumped onto my cardio glider, which is a full-body exercise machine. And I'm jamming away on this thing, and I'm realizing that my hands looked like primitive claws grasping onto the bar. I thought "that's very peculiar" and I looked down at my body and I thought, "whoa, I'm a weird-looking thing." And it was as though my consciousness had shifted away from my normal perception of reality, where I'm the person on the machine having the experience, to some esoteric space where I'm witnessing myself having this experience.

And it was all every peculiar and my headache was just getting worse, so I get off the machine, and I'm walking across my living room floor, and I realize that everything inside of my body has slowed way down. And every step is very rigid and very deliberate. There's no fluidity to my pace, and there's this constriction in my area of perceptions so I'm just focused on internal systems. And I'm standing in my bathroom getting ready to step into the shower and I could actually hear the dialog inside of my body. I heard a little voice saying, "OK, you muscles, you gotta contract, you muscles you relax."

And I lost my balance and I'm propped up against the wall. And I look down at my arm and I realize that I can no longer define the boundaries of my body. I can't define where I begin and where I end. Because the atoms and the molecules of my arm blended with the atoms and molecules of the wall. And all I could detect was this energy. Energy. And I'm asking myself, "What is wrong with me, what is going on?" And in that moment, my brain chatter, my left hemisphere brain chatter went totally silent. Just like someone took a remote control and pushed the mute button and -- total silence.

And at first I was shocked to find myself inside of a silent mind. But then I was immediately captivated by the magnificence of energy around me. And because I could no longer identify the boundaries of my body, I felt enormous and expansive. I felt at one with all the energy that was, and it was beautiful there.

Then all of a sudden my left hemisphere comes back online and it says to me, "Hey! we got a problem, we got a problem, we gotta get some help." So it's like, OK, OK, I got a problem, but then I immediately drifted right back out into the consciousness, and I affectionately referred to this space as La La Land. But it was beautiful there. Imagine what it would be like to be totally disconnected from your brain chatter that connects you to the external world. So here I am in this space and any stress related to my, to my job, it was gone. And I felt lighter in my body. And imagine all of the relationships in the external world and the many stressors related to any of those, they were gone. I felt a sense of peacefulness. And imagine what it would feel like to lose 37 years of emotional baggage! I felt euphoria. Euphoria was beautiful -- and then my left hemisphere comes online and it says "Hey! you've got to pay attention, we've got to get help," and I'm thinking, "I got to get help, I gotta focus." So I get out of the shower and I mechanically dress and I'm walking around my apartment, and I'm thinking, "I gotta get to work, I gotta get to work, can I drive? can I drive?"

And in that moment my right arm went totally paralyzed by my side. And I realized, "Oh my gosh! I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!" And the next thing my brain says to me is, "Wow! This is so cool. This is so cool. How many brain scientists have the opportunity to study their own brain from the inside out?"

And then it crosses my mind: "But I'm a very busy woman. I don't have time for a stroke!" So I'm like, "OK, I can't stop the stroke from happening so I'll do this for a week or two, and then I'll get back to my routine, OK."

So I gotta call help, I gotta call work. I couldn't remember the number at work, so I remembered, in my office I had a business card with my number on it. So I go in my business room, I pull out a 3-inch stack of business cards. And I'm looking at the card on top, and even though I could see clearly in my mind's eye what my business card looked like, I couldn't tell if this was my card or not, because all I could see were pixels. And the pixels of the words blended with the pixels of the background and the pixels of the symbols, and I just couldn't tell. And I would wait for what I call a wave of clarity. And in that moment, I would be able to reattach to normal reality and I could tell, that's not the card, that's not the card, that's not the card. It took me 45 minutes to get one inch down inside of that stack of cards.

In the meantime, for 45 minutes the hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left hemisphere. I do not understand numbers, I do not understand the telephone, but it's the only plan I have. So I take the phone pad and I put it right here, I'd take the business card, I'd put it right here, and I'm matching the shape of the squiggles on the card to the shape of the squiggles on the phone pad. But then I would drift back out into La La Land, and not remember when I come back if I'd already dialed those numbers.

So I had to wield my paralyzed arm like a stump, and cover the numbers as I went along and pushed them, so that as I would come back to normal reality I'd be able to tell, yes, I've already dialed that number. Eventually the whole number gets dialed, and I'm listening to the phone, and my colleague picks up the phone and he says to me, "Whoo woo wooo woo woo." [laughter] And I think to myself, "Oh my gosh, he sounds like a golden retriever!" And so I say to him, clear in my mind I say to him. "This is Jill! I need help!" And what comes out of my voice is, "Whoo woo wooo woo woo." I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, I sound like a golden retriever." So I couldn't know, I didn't know that I couldn't speak or understand language until I tried.

So he recognizes that I need help, and he gets me help. And a little while later, I am riding in an ambulance from one hospital across Boston to Mass General Hospital. And I curl up into a little fetal ball. And just like a balloon with the last bit of air just, just right out of the balloon I felt my energy lift and I felt my spirit surrender. And in that moment I knew that I was no longer the choreographer of my life. And either the doctors rescue my body and give me a second chance at life or this was perhaps my moment of transition.

When I awoke later that afternoon I was shocked to discover that I was still alive. When I felt my spirit surrender, I said goodbye to my life, and my mind is now suspended between two very opposite planes of reality. Stimulation coming in through my sensory systems felt like pure pain. Light burned my brain like wildfire and sounds were so loud and chaotic that I could not pick a voice out from the background noise and I just wanted to escape. Because I could not identify the position of my body in space, I felt enormous and expensive, like a genie just liberated from her bottle. And my spirit soared free like a great whale gliding through the sea of silent euphoria. Harmonic. I remember thinking there's no way I would ever be able to squeeze the enormousness of myself back inside this tiny little body.

But I realized "But I'm still alive! I'm still alive and I have found Nirvana. And if I have found Nirvana and I'm still alive, then everyone who is alive can find Nirvana." I picture a world filled with beautiful, peaceful, compassionate, loving people who knew that they could come to this space at any time. And that they could purposely choose to step to the right of their left hemispheres and find this peace. And then I realized what a tremendous gift this experience could be, what a stroke of insight this could be to how we live our lives. And it motivated my to recover.

Two and a half weeks after the hemorrhage, the surgeons went in and they removed a blood clot the size of a golf ball that was pushing on my language centers. Here I am with my mama, who's a true angel in my life. It took me eight years to completely recover.

So who are we? We are the life force power of the universe, with manual dexterity and two cognitive minds. And we have the power to choose, moment by moment, who and how we want to be in the world. Right here right now, I can step into the consciousness of my right hemisphere where we are -- I am -- the life force power of the universe, and the life force power of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form. At one with all that is. Or I can choose to step into the consciousness of my left hemisphere. where I become a single individual, a solid, separate from the flow, separate from you. I am Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, intellectual, neuroanatomist. These are the "we" inside of me.

Which would you choose? Which do you choose? And when? I believe that the more time we spend choosing to run the deep inner peace circuitry of our right hemispheres, the more peace we will project into the world and the more peaceful our planet will be. And I thought that was an idea worth spreading.

http://www.wanderings.net/notebook/Main/StrokeOfInsightJillBolteTaylorOnTED